the boring rules of hogwarts
by I believe in nargles too
Summary: this is for all the trouble makers


"I am sick of you breaking the rules all the time these are things you are not allowed to do at Hogwarts." Snape said. "Here are the rules obey them or get a detention."

1\. There is not a school band and I am not a part of it.

2\. I am not allowed to bring my cell phone to school and randomly begin to search for a signal.

3\. It is not appropriate to bring a paper fortune teller to Divination.

4\. I do not live in a musical; therefore I am not allowed to break out in song in the middle of class.

5\. No part of the school uniform is edible.

6\. I will not steal the kitten plates from Professor Umbrige's office.

7\. I am to stop using first years for my psychology experiments.

8\. I will not accuse Fluffy of having eaten my homework.

9\. I will not post pictures of the Troll face in the dungeon and claim that there are trolls in the dungeons.

10\. I will not attempt to exorcise Professor Binns.

11\. I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.

12\. Looking after a virtual pet is not a way to gain extra marks in Care of Magical Creatures.

13\. I will not insist that David Tennet is Barty Crouch Jr.

14\. I am not allowed to arrange flash dances to randomly occur throughout the school day.

15\. I am not allowed to speak only using finger puppets.

16\. I will not start a chain Howler.

17\. I will not tell first years that their wardrobes are portals to Narnia.

18\. I should not refer to DADA teachers as "canaries in the coal mines".

19\. I will never ask Harry Potter if his scar senses are tingling.

20\. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.

21\. I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once.

22\. I will not yell, "Someone get Beowulf, Grendel's broken in!" when I see Umbridge.

23\. There is no scarf of sexual preference and I should not attempt to make one.

24\. I am not allowed to bring my laptop to Hogwarts to use to write all of my essays. Hogwarts doesn't have any printers so it is therefore not an acceptable excuse for not having my homework done.

25\. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

26\. My name is not Captain Subtext.

27\. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.

28\. I will not ask Voldemort where his nose went.

29\. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

30\. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

31\. I will not tell first years that Fang is a hellhound.

32\. The house elves are not there to do my homework.

33\. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

34\. When caught sleeping in class, I'm not allowed to claim that the Negaverse stole all of my energy and the Sailor Scouts have yet to get it back.

35\. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that my teacup says she's lying.

36\. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

37\. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquinsition.

38\. There is no interpretive dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.

39\. Dumbledore is not Gandalf in disguise.

40\. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

41\. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

42\. "42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s.

43\. I will not hand a red shirt to the new DADA proffesor and claim that they're standard uniform for the position.

44\. Telling Lucius what he could do with his cane is not advisable.

45\. There is no annual 'Dress Like Dumbledore' day.

46\. I will stop asking the Arithmancy proffesor what the square root of -1 is.

47\. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

48\. I will not cast "Petrificus Totalus" on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

49\. "To conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

50\. I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets.

51\. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

52\. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

53\. I must stop telling first years about the time a Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

54\. I am not allowed to cause mass hysteria among the first years by freaking out when the ghosts show up.

55\. I will not demand that Professor Trelawney be given a muggle drug test.

56\. Adding the name Bueller to Professor Binn's attendance list is cruel.

57\. There is no "open-mic night" at Hogwarts.

58\. It is probably not wise to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.

59\. It is not appropriate to trade first years between houses.

60\. I will not use magic to change test questions into those that I can answer.

61\. I will not tell first years that is is customary to dye their hair in their house colours for their first say of lessons.

62\. Hogwarts is not in the USA, therefore I am not to make first years reenact the first Thanksgiving every year in order to celebrate it.

63\. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony".

64\. Thriller is not the school dance.

65\. And am I not allowed to teach all of the first years do the Thriller dance on Halloween claiming it is a school tradition.

66\. I will not borrow Trelawney's tarot cards for a game of poker.

67\. I will not try to 'capture' a unicorn in a 'pokeball'.

68\. I will not put Prof. Flitwick on a Christmas tree and claim that I thought he was a decoration because of his size.

69\. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

70\. I will not continually insist that Firenze's full name is "Firenze Our Centaur Friend", and I also will not call him by said name.

71\. And I will also not teach first years to say this in unison whenever they see him.

72\. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will offend them.

73\. There is no "Arts and Crafts" time at Hogwarts and I am not to blame it for my homework being ruined.

74\. I am not to start a "who can blow up their cauldron first" contest in Potions class.

75\. I will not enchant a stag to attack Prof. Snape claiming that it is James Potter resurrected.

76\. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the great hall.

77\. I will not enchant hundreds of chocolate frogs in the school and call them "Umbridge's Children".

78\. I will also not charm them to follow Umbridge around the school.

79\. Harry Potter is not my "Protection Shield" to carry around and ward off evil.

80\. Hagrid's skin is not green, and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant'.

81\. A hug is not all Prof. Snape needs.

82\. I will not use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on any food items at mealtimes.

83\. I will not tell Prof. Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

84\. I will not test my potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

85\. It is inappropriate to send Binns an invitation to his own memorial service.

86\. Even if I myself do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight saving time.

87\. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

88\. I will not ask Professor Trelawney when she last had her Inner Eye tested.

89\. I will also not recommend that she get glasses for her Inner Eye.

90\. Hufflepuffs are not the Canadians of Hogwarts.

91\. Stripping during breakfast is not a way to show Gryffindor bravery.

92\. I'm not allowed to yell BAMF every time I walk into a room.

93\. It is impolite to call Lucius "Lucy".

94\. Or "Luscious Mouthful".

95\. The Fat Lady is not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.

96\. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

97\. I will not throw Hermione's "Hogwarts: A History" out a window claiming it wanted freedom.

98\. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

99\. I cannot Hadouken anything into oblivion.

**100.** When asked to demonstrate "Muggle technology" by other students, I will not use C-4 and Professor Snape's lab to do so.

101\. Seamus Finnigan is not "after me lucky charms".

102\. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not. Neither are Snuggies.

103\. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the opponent time to find their wand.

104\. The world will not end in 2012 and I am to stop telling everyone that Harry Potter going insane will be the cause of it.

105\. Yelling "To infinity and beyond" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

106\. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

107\. I will not charm Hermione's time turn to rotate every half-hour.

108\. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.

109\. The fact that there are only thee unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable."

110\. Claiming my printer was not working is not a valid excuse for a late essay.

111\. I am not allowed to scream "Run Forest, run" as the teachers sprint of to stop some crisis.

112\. Professor Moody is not, nor will he ever be, disguised as a "sexy 956 year old Time Lord with BAMF hair".

113\. It is not acceptable to ask Professor Sprout if she has found an Audrey II yet.

114\. I cannot ask the professors if they have ever been in shampoo commercials.

115\. Or Lucius Malfoy.

116\. Yelling "BOO!" at Professor Moody is not wise.

117\. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

118\. I will stop asking when we learn how to make "Love Potion Number Nine."

119\. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

120\. I will not tell first years that Professor Snape is the voice of God.

121\. There is no bring a muggle to school day.

122\. "Spring Time For Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

123\. I will not owl Voldemort a bottle of anti-depressants.

124\. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

125\. Easter in Hogwarts is not to be celebrated by releasing hordes of pink rabbits and making the first years chase them.

126\. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-exsistent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

127\. I am not to slip Polyjuice potion to as many people as possible to make them look like me 'purely for the humor'.

128\. I will not slip sleeping potions into my professor's drinks.

129\. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as the "Big Black Sex Auror."

130\. You cannot get credit for Muggle Studies by watching "Sherlock".

131\. It is unwise and unhealthy to ask Voldemort if he's been waiting all these years to dance again.

132\. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT level potions classes.

133\. I will not charm the Great Hall doors to shout "You will not pass!" every time someone tries to get in. Even if Professor Dumbledore thinks it's funny…We would like to eat you know.

134\. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

135\. It is not acceptable to tell the first years that Bellatrix Lestrange is going to bake them in a pie

136\. I will not randomly break into soliloquies.

137\. A dog toy is not an appropriate gift for Sirius Black.

138\. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

139\. I will stop telling everyone that the reason why the Hufflepuff common room is located near the kitchens is because they are always getting the munchies.

140\. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

141\. Sirius Black is not the lead singer of the Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl, nor vise versa and I should stop insisting that he is.

142\. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

143\. It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.

144\. I will not attempt to fuse the rules of chemistry with those of potions.

145\. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

146\. I'm not on Survivor and therefore I'm not allowed to vote people out of the common room.

147\. Snape is not Batman and I will not hum/sing the Batman theme song whenever he enters a room.

148\. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

149\. I will not sing "Ebony and Ivory" whenever I see Dean and Seamus together.

150\. Just because it was funny to have the school do the Time Warp, I will not teach them how to do the Soulja boy.

151\. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

152\. I must not yell "Scoob! It's a g-g-ghost!" every time Professor Binns enters the classroom.

153\. Singing "U.G.L.Y." to Moaning Myrtle, although funny, is extremely unkind.

154\. I will not read "My Immortal" to Slytherins.

155\. The "I Hate Umbridge" Club is not a valid after class activity.

156\. Hermione does not like to be referred to as Herman.

157\. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

158\. I will not add 'according to the prophecy' to the end of every sentence in Divination class, just to raise my grade.

159\. Asking "So, when do we learn to saw a lady in half?" is not appropriate.

160\. Replacing McGonagall's pumpkin juice with Diet Coke, while amusing, makes her snort it out her nose and detentions aren't as amusing.

161\. I will not accuse the Minister of being a Death Eater.

162\. I will not try to breed a Thestral and a Grim.

163\. Coming up with a fake disease and telling first years that they have it is not a good idea.

164\. Modifying the old "pail of water over the door" trick to "pail of bubotuber pus over the door" is frowned upon.

165\. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with Blast-Ended Skrewts.

166\. I am not a demi-god and I do not go to camp Half Blood during the summer.

167\. Going to Barty Crouch Jr. and asking him "where Rose is" is not acceptable.

168\. Changing the slips that are passed out at the end of the term to say, "Practicing magic during the holidays is encouraged, please try to hex at least five muggles" is immature and really bad idea.

169\. It is not a good idea to charm the furniture the potions classroom to be pink and fluffy.

170\. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "the amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is wrong, funny, but wrong.

171\. I will not "borrow" a prefects badge for Peeves.

172\. I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle cupcakes with Veritaserum in them.

173\. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

174\. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".

175\. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the Hallways.

176\. I will not take a Hippogriff to the summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions.

177\. I will not tell McGonagall that she is bad luck because she turn into a cat.

178\. Not only is it a bad idea to mix potions and nitroglycerine together, it is also dangerous.

179\. I will not ask Professor Snape about the Molarity of the potions ingredients.

180\. A time turner is not a Flux Capacitor and I should therefore not install one in any muggle cars.

181\. Starting a betting pool with the Slytherins on when Harry Potter will die is not appropriate.

182\. I will not sell muggle pens to students for a profit. No matter how much neater they are to write with.

183\. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

184\. Voldemort does not wish to appear as the "before" for a line of cosmetics.

185\. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network buildings is a pointless request.

186\. Umbridge is not a guy and I should stop trying to prove otherwise.

187\. The Death Eaters are not Daleks.

188\. There is no such things as Pigfarts.

189\. I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination.

190\. I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

191\. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

192\. First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

193\. I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy tower.

194\. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort because it will probably get me killed and is disrespectful.

195\. I will not claim my X-Files DVDs are "Auror training videos".

196\. I will not tell Sir Codogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "NI" from various directions.

197\. I will not wear my "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!" shirt to school.

198\. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously.

I'll just take Fred and Georges route now where are my nosebleed nougats?


End file.
